209 ~ Not What I Wanted

I write these words
In order to grow strong
But darkness creeps in
Something I know is wrong

How does one tell it to stop
When your pulse tells you to go
How does one block these feelings
When your mind tells you no

When I paint my feelings
On empty canvases for art
I was thinking it will help
Instead I’m breaking my own heart

~

Monster,
How should I feel?
black&whiteCreatures lie here
Looking through the window

*Sometimes I wonder if writing all my feelings down is really helping. I’m not the kind of writer who can make things up on the fly; the literature is a part of me. They say words don’t hurt, but mine hurt me… they paint portraits of emotions I wish I didn’t or couldn’t feel. But as with anything else, this too shall pass. Just bidding my time until it does.

57 thoughts on “209 ~ Not What I Wanted

  1. Maybe let those feeling arrive to the surface ? Scream ? Break things ? …
    by the way, those sunglasses really fit you …

    • I keep saying writing is therapeutic, but lately it has been anything but, so I had just been posting photos instead of poetry. Maybe a good eruption is in order, although I hate feeling out of control… And thank you Leo.

  2. I’ve been having similar thoughts recently.
    I’m beginning to think that sometimes all it does is bring back up to the surface things which are better off buried.
    Buried! ahem…

  3. Sometimes when you are feeling negativity or questioning why you write, the best thing is to push through. Your writing is beautiful, own that and claim its positivity & healing.

    • I am trying, which is why I haven’t given up on this blog (although I have been tempted too). Thank you for the positive outlook and I will try to stay positive about it.

  4. You write so well b/c you pour your heart into it. This is how it’s done! Love it so much! =)

  5. I cant live without literature, pen in my hand or wirds to read. But i know what you mean about it being not therapeutic sometimes. My writings annoy me. Irritate me. Leave me cross with myself, because they evoke emotions i dont want to feel.
    It will pass, as you say. Better sooner than later i guess.

  6. I think that feeling too intense is so much better than not feeling enough. Hope you’re well.

  7. I think every writer goes through something like this at different times. I know I can go through long periods where I don’t write anything because the words or inspiration just aren’t there. Yet there is always an end to it and the words return, I think trying to do something new or outside your normal routine might help help to jolt you out of it such as traveling somewhere you’ve never been or even trying new experiences you may otherwise shy away from.

      • Yeah I had too many personal things to deal with and I just didn’t have time for WP or writing for that matter. Its good to be back though and even better to be writing again. Don’t lose faith, you will find your words again I’m certain of that!

        • I feel the same way, but since I had set out to make a post for the entire year, I will keep it up. Though most of it will not be writing/poetry for a bit. I’m glad you are back though 🙂

          • Im very sorry to hear you’re in a rut but I think staying positive and keeping up with the posts in spite of it is the right way to go. One thing I like to do is think of something, an idea, person or thing and start writing down as many descriptive adjectives as I can about it. Then off of each of those think of a noun that fits. eventually you end up with enough words to make a poem, then its really a matter of playing around with them. This usually sparks something for me when I cant seem to write.

  8. I’m wondering if your words are feeding back into your mind, a bit like looking in a mirror too often, or being tired of your own company. We can have too much of self sometimes, it’s good to think outward and not too much inward.

    An aunt said to me a few years ago about the way her daughter was feeling even a couple of years after a divorce, that she felt an end of a relationship was like a death, and it was as if her daughter was in a grieving process for a lot longer than she would have expected.

    Although you’ve moved on in many ways, since then end of your relationship, sometimes the reality of it all can come crashing down on you a while later, and be very disturbing. I had that a few times. But looking back at it now I can see it was necessary to go through that – no harm came to me, it was just my brain preparing to let go in stages. I thought I’d let go quite a few times, but I hadn’t fully. And the final time I went through that heavy feeling, I decided to speak out loud, that I forgave him – not to his face, and not for him, but just for me. I forgave him, not because he deserved it, but because he was a fool who didn’t know his left from his right, and I was a fool to get involved with him. You could say I forgave myself too – the whole situation. And it really worked. Things were a lot lighter in my mind after that, and continued to get even lighter as time went on.

    Also, maybe writing out what you feel is OK, as long as you have some kind of purpose behind it. A lot of the blogs I visit that have poetry on them, the writers have plans for an ebook or have already published one already. Although the writing on my blog contains a lot me, and bits of life that I’ve gone through, I’ve always had in mind the possibility of sending some of the short stories to a literary agent or possibly self publishing them with the poetry. And when I get to finish those novels I’ve been writing, I was hoping to use the blog as a way of showing an agent what else I’m capable of, and what kind of person I am. And of course in the process I’m learning an enormous amount in a way that I wouldn’t be if the writing was all just for me. I have been feeling a little tired of it all too, but that purpose in the back of my mind, just reminds me what I started it for. Without that I don’t think I would have made it this far! 🙂

    I know that isn’t the reason some people have a blog, sometimes it’s just like a diary of the pieces of their life. But I really don’t honestly think I could do that, it wouldn’t suit me to write like that, if I did, I think I’d be feeling like you feel now. Also, you are posting every day remember, and that is an enormous pressure on top of reading other posts too – oh, and the rest of your life of course! You have given yourself quite a task! I know you’ll probably hate me saying this, but you really sound like you need a break! Lots of bloggers have breaks, even if it’s just a couple of weeks, it makes a huge difference to them. I’ve considered it myself, but just haven’t decided when yet.

    Sorry this is long, but I didn’t just want to wish you a better day tomorrow – I think I’ve already done that, and that would be a bit empty of me to say that again. So – end of speech, and you can disagree with me if you like! 🙂

    • I do feel like that… a mirror reflecting my feelings from inside, but I’m learning that I need to let it out. It can fester and build up too much anxiety if I keep it in.

      This wasn’t about my past relationship though, but of something else. Something I am not comfortable about revealing just yet, or ever.

      These are diary pieces of my life – stories, poems, pictures, inspirations – it’s a project that I intend to carry out until completion. I knew what I was getting myself into but things happen in life that zap my energy or will. But I believe that should not change me or affect what I had set out to do. I know a break should be in order, but I like pushing myself forward. I have thought about stopping a couple of times, but it would just speak volumes of how things can hinder me from completing a goal. It’s a small goal, but one I treasure nevertheless.

      I keep saying that I’m not a writer, but after my weekly clean-up the other week, I realized that all the bits of paper, notes written on receipts and napkins and odd paraphernalia showed me that if I stopped this, I would be putting an end to a big part of me. So I will not stop. I still write, many of which are drafts, but they are there… waiting to be presented when the time is right. I don’t hate you for saying that I need a break, but I will take a break in my own way by not posting any of my poetry for awhile. ♥

  9. It looks like you have enough comments on this one, but I wanted to say something quick. The act of writing never made me feel better, infact I think that was why I hated all of my work, it never felt good enough to me because…well it never felt good in a release kind of way. But it was when I had someone read them, someone share in the pain, that I felt the best. To have someone acknowledge what I was going thru wasn’t mental and that they too had been thru shit….to make a bond, temporary as it may be, with someone thru hardship….because a companionship grown in strife is the most open an trusting one. I’m not saying that “you should go on”, hell I’d be quite hypocritical if I was considering that I retired long ago. But I did just want to say that it happened to me, and even tho the words brought tears to my eyes and void to my heart, I was able to press on for some time, till one day the words just lost their meaning, and my therapy was done.

    • I know J, but you also know how much I respect and trust in the advice you give 🙂

      And you are right, it feels good to know that I’m not the only one going through it – makes me feel less crazy about the situation. I enjoy writing, I actually love it a lot when I put out a good piece. But I want them to be happier ones because my life is blessed, and I should stop focusing on the little negative parts. So for the next few days or couple of weeks, I’ll be doing just that. Posting reflections of photos or writings that will help to reinforce the bright side that plays a bigger role in my life. ♥

  10. darkness needs to have a feel too. sometimes it is the only way to let some of that go once it is written. of course it is written well – that will bring positive vibes as well. if it breaks the heart, it is meant to dip a pen in it. a broken heart awaits its recovery.

    • I agree. It has helped me to clear my head of things I’d rather not think about but there are times when it gets a bit much. Like reflecting on so much of the negatives has brought me down so I’m working on remembering the better parts of life. 🙂

And the wind whispers...

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